▸ I'd do anything to be a child again. ... ♬
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Babe♥ posted at: @2:59 PM
0 Wishes // Make a wish?


Today I talked discussed with you about your staff like I was your business partner. Finding all the faults, all the sources of error, being critical like I've always been about your little school.. after all you know how much I loathe it. Then I had an epiphany, I joked it off by saying "Sometime's I think I'm more of an adult than your staff" although that wasn't really quite that funny.

I headed towards my room shortly after and you called out to me and gave me a hug, "You're growing up too fast. I really miss you when you were little... You're still my baby girl. Just bigger. Possum, slow down will ya?". I chuckled and smiled as you pinched my cheeks.

*Sigh*

It's.. kind of.. too late. Where were you when I was a toddler? Where were you all those times I needed someone to understand me? Where were you? When I met you after you were erased from my memory, it was like having a stranger being introduced to you as your father. I only ever got to see you for a couple of days or maybe weeks ever year or two and I was expected to love you, I was expected to care about you, but how do you give a place in your heart for a stranger?

I know you didn't mean for things to go this way and it wasn't your fault but it's just so hard to let go. That it was only last summer when I finally got to know you. I finally had someone in my life who understands me, that accepts me for who I am, that treats me like a human being at home, that has real conversations about anything with me. I didn't have to hide anymore or feel guilty. And I'm sorry for hating you all those years when you were only trying to make up for everything that went down the drain. I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry.

I remembered when grandpa died, the only grandfather I ever knew, and mom was forcing me to get out of the car and see him in that coffin. She was basically forcing me to care but you stopped her saying "She's still a child, sweetie. Some kids aren't ready to face these things, it's alright. Let her stay in the car". What you didn't know was I didn't care at all. I hated you. I hated every single person in your part of the family. The Christmas gifts, the letters, the bed time stories... nothing could ever make up for all that pain and loneliness.

Throughout my life I basically raised myself. Home felt like jail, it was hard to live up to mother's expectations, I was alone. I remembered when I was begging mom to buy me dolls and she scolded me saying, "Dolls are for little kids! You're too old for that!". I was probably around nine back then and she just opened up her school and day care center. All I could see was little kids around me playing with their toys and having fun. So then I started thinking that I am older than them therefore I should act like I am. And that's when it started. when I was nine, I thought like a twelve year old. When I was twelve, I thought like a fifteen year old. Now, I feel like I definitely don't have the mind of a minor no longer.

When I was thirteen, going through the first loop on the roller-coaster ride of adolescence, I cut myself because those walls I built became weaker and the pain was just bombarded at me. It was like a game of dodge ball. Balls full of mistakes, and blame, and expectations just kept coming at me and I did my best to avoid but then I obviously lost the game. I was left alone in one corner, bruised. I thought by cutting myself, I'd then feel that there was things that hurt a lot more than what I was going through back then. After a couple of months, mom found out...and I could only imagine how she would feel. Well, at least what I hoped she felt. I was thinking, "How could I let my only daughter feel this way?" but maybe she had different things in her mind like meetings and new staff to employ. But I got over it. Cutting myself was stupid. Although it kinda made me stronger. It made me start thinking that I shouldn't be living my life for someone else, my future is my own not anyone else's and no one can take that away from me.

You joked a lot about how you both messed me up and that I'm a messed up child. But I'm not stupid. I know inside your heart, you have regrets. What if you never left me in Philippines? What if you stayed with me instead of being in Australia most of the time? What if we never settled our life in Brunei and mom could've opened up a school in Australia instead? Would I have not have hold such a grudge? Would I not be so understanding of what life bombards me with? From time to time you tend to bring these things up with a laugh at the end but then you look away... because you can't keep a fake smile for too long.

It's just sad that life is moving on and there's only a couple of years left before I'm out on my own. You only did your part as a father, don't burden yourself.

The truth is in life, you never know what you've got until it's gone. The family reunion was a tad bit over due but I'm not going to complain, it's the best thing I've ever had in my life so far.

Just so you know, I'll never forget the trips to the doctor, otherwise I would've fainted. I'll never forget the bed-time stories, I wouldn't have had so much things to dream about. I'll never forget all those so called bonding sessions, I wouldn't have gotten to know you. I'll never forget you, I don't know how I could ever live my life without getting to know you.

Today, heck I don't even know. I'll give you a big hug when I see you after I get up...like I was your little girl again. I'll be forever your possum. :)

Here's me signing off, Ashieken Bartholomew.

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