▸ What is love? ... ♬
Monday, July 11, 2011
Babe♥ posted at: @11:13 AM
0 Wishes // Make a wish?



 You know I get tired of every time someone says "I love you". The only thing that actually passes through my mind when I get that is: BULLSHIT. I mean, it's nice...thanks for telling me that. But one day, I'd like someone to actually mean it when they say it.


I once heard from an anime (I know.. -.- but I was a kid back then and this is a nice quote~ PROMISE!)
""i love him!"...you say that...But if he truly belonged to you, would you be here fighting to hold on to him? You say that you love him but if you did, would you really want to take his friends away from him? Would you try to force your will upon him to make yourself happy? without any regards for his feelings? You don't understand that there are times when true love will be a source of pain... and one that you must accept... Because to truely love someone is to put their feelings before your own.. no matter what... keep putting yourself first.. and you will only succeed in pushing him away.... "


Sometimes I think the word LOVE is just so misused. And quite often misunderstood... I'll give you my story.. my first love.
NOTE: No misunderstandings please, I'm completely straight. No homo.


I had this bestfriend. Notice how I said had back there. Well I've known this girl for 4 years...we had everything planed. We were gonna move to Australia, go to the same university and open up our own clinic together...do a partnership. And we kinda got waaaaayyyy too far of our thoughts for our future. How childish is that thinking that it's gonna be FOREVER?


And this plan was always cut-off every time a guy comes into the picture..well for her. I was alright with it, I guess.


Let's just cut to the chase. I met this guy. Let's call him N. Now everyone, say hello to N :) HI N. I met N at my close friend's 17th birthday and we got kinda close. Like a little too close ;) ahha I keed. And yeah, he got the hots for me..and ever since that night he kept telling me to stop playing hard to get. And it was SO FUCKING OBVIOUS that I kinda liked him back...like even a blind man can tell. And she knew it. I went to the YDM ARISE AND SHINE camp for 3 days or so and I came back..she asked me to go to the mall, henceforth I did.  And when I got there, she made me sit all the way at the back by myself coz apparently "there were no other seats left" and I saw her in front with all my friends and N. OUCH. nuff said.


I didn't mind so much...I let him go. I thought that maybe she needed him more....coz I guess I can stand this time not having a guy. Myeh. She never had a real boyfriend anyway...they're all online and shit like that. And the whole time she kept saying "Oh N better be my bf~". She told me this too, "I'm never gonna lose my virginity until I'm married^^" ...THREE DAYS LATER.. "Ashie...I got something to tell you"


I was there for her. Through the thick and thin. I loved her like she was my other half. I even stayed for A MONTH OR TWO at her house just to look after her...She's clinically depressed so I didn't leave her sight just so she won't hurt herself. I cooked her food, helped her with her chores, watched after her...everything. I felt like my whole world was shattering when one time I saw her having one of her asthma attacks right before me, I panicked and almost had a heart attack. I was so scared that I would lose her. That's how much I loved her.


After leaving her house that month, the week I came back to school, she stopped talking to me. So I gave her time and space. But then she started talking behind my back...calling me a bitch and all that. Saying I've been spreading rumors about her and N when her stupid little boyfriend was the one who told the whole world that he fucked her. I was hurt. Deeply hurt. And one day she called me asking me to buy her a pregnancy test. You have no idea how many tears fell out of my eyes... It was like she was just using me whenever she needed me. I told her that I can't do it anymore...I did everything I can and she threw me away like a spat out gum and stepped on it. I can't believe that after all that time she would think I'd talk about her behind her back and betray her like that. No matter how many times she said she was sorry...I told her no. It's just not gonna be like that... You can't just apologize to someone you hurt so much and expect things to be ok. It doesn't work that way.


Life continued on...with no eye-contact, staring at each other from far away, wishing it didn't turn out that way. But hate started to grow on me. And a few weeks after the BFF break up, a mutual friend of ours told me that she's hospitalized...she overdosed herself with her anti-depression pills because she had enough of life. And even then, I cried. It was all my fault. Even her parents and mine blamed me...because she wrote things on her wall and her parents knew that we weren't that close anymore.


That's the story. She didn't get pregnant btw and she's alive and well. Too well that it annoys the living hell out of me...we're not talking anymore and she says it's my problem if we're not friends anymore. But the thing is, life has never been better. It's just these scars that she clawed in so deep aren't fading. She was the first person that I've ever loved the most..up to the point where I gave her everything I could, sacrificed everything. It's just hard to get over it...


And I'm kinda glad I never got with N. He was an asshole. He'd fuck any girl he sees. But I don't get how she can see past that. Every time they were together all he could talk about was me...and how sexy my legs were. What would you do if your boyfriend was checking out your bestfriend? Wouldn't you get pissed? Coz I know I would...what a douche. But she just got jealous...so jealous that she started to fake things with me...fake her attitude towards me and act like she likes me but doesn't. She started to talk like me, act like me, and dressing like me. WHOAH BITCH....If your boyfriend doesn't love you for who you are then why are you with him? Can't you see that he's just using you for sex? How badly do you love him that you've only met him for a few weeks that you'd change yourself so much just for him?




Friends aren't forever... I don't understand why I even loved someone (not in a romantic way) who didn't even love me back. I know if you love someone, you won't expect anything in return....I didn't expect to get so broken up like this.


And LIFE...can be pretty shit sometimes.


Anyway, here's me signing off. Ashieken Bartholomew.

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